I’ve been waiting for this moment. I want to see how much I’ve grown after everything that’s happened the last few years. Before I continue, I think it’s important to put things into context first.
It’s clear to me now that 2020-2023 were the Years of Disruption in my life. 2020 was the year I was supposed to enjoy being in my early 30’s, but the pandemic happened and we’re all forced to stay inside. The silver lining is, I took that time to go to therapy and really worked on myself. So when the quarantine was somewhat easing up in 2021, I was in the middle of discovering what it meant to not live in survival mode. I experimented with myself: my sleeping schedule, how much I could exercise, what kind of food I liked, basically figuring out who I was without my mental illness.
At the same time, I also got the opportunity to run my own TV show for the very first time. That took a lot of my time and energy. I didn’t know anything, and I wanted to do well. So I experimented on my life further. I wanted to create a daily environment that would support my art and creativity. And, I almost got it! But then I met A.
Falling in love is always a Huge Disruptive Event. No matter how adult you are, prioritizing your time to be responsible over your job, it’s hard to turn your romantic brain off. I thought about him all the time. All I wanted was to see him instead of working on my scripts. Dating A was amazing. I was glad he disrupted my life that way.
It was short-lived though, our honeymoon. Cancer came and took A away from me six months later. Death of a partner was a disruption I didn’t expect to happen to me so quickly. I just stopped moving in 2023. For a hot minute there, I couldn’t remember that at one point, I was on a path of figuring out what my life could be without BPD.
Those years are behind me though. I’m turning 35 in a couple of days (my mid-30’s!) Today I feel like I’m in a good place to start again; to continue discovering what my life looks like when I’m not living in survival mode.
I was very excited to start 2024. At the end of last year, I spent a couple of weeks really thinking about my resolutions, what I want to do, and how I’m going to achieve them. It’s been three months of 2024 and I’ve achieved a lot!
Personal finance
I lost all my emergency fund to hospital bills, therapy, and grieving. So my 2024 resolutions on the personal finance front were pretty simple:
Replenish my emergency fund
Start saving for the future again (pension fund, sinking fund, etc)
Break the paycheck to paycheck cycle (again)
In order to achieve it, I put a limit on my daily expenses. Essentials only. No unnecessary shopping nor jajan. I also took some side gigs for additional income. I worked on a spreadsheet and forecast I should be able to achieve these goals by March (thank you, THR). And, I achieved them! My finances are back to the way it was before the dating and hospital days of 2022. On average, I broke my limit on daily expenses by 15% per month lol but that’s okay. I chose to live a little.
Next on my goal is:
To increase my emergency fund by 50% (you never know when the next death’s gonna happen) (too soon?)
Hit a new milestone on my net worth (it’s getting there!)
Save more for the future (I need to catch up on my pension saving)
Allocate a bit more budget on certain posts (so I can have a bit more fun)
If it’s not obvious, I love personal finance. It’s fun to measure my growth on a financial metric. There are so many uncertainties in life, but money is not one of them. You can always measure how much you have and don’t have. Then you can make your plans accordingly.
Health
I’m sorry to say that I haven’t made much progress here. My resolutions were simply to move more and eat better. I haven’t moved more lol but I do eat better! I make my own breakfast every day, which means I cook my own meals 33% of the time. I’m trying to increase this number to 50%, so I’ve started cooking dinner for a few nights of the week. I’ll talk more about how it goes in the Q2 evaluation.
Art and writing
I also didn’t have any ambitious resolutions on this front. I simply want to write more. In these three months I’ve written for two series; one of which is going into production in the middle of this year (I’m running the show again ☺️). The other one still needs to wait for a while.
Also in my work pipeline are two features; one for kids, one for moms and wives. I haven’t got to write the scripts yet. They’re both still in early development (outline and synopsis). But my target is to finish both scripts this year.
On the personal project front, I’ve taken an indie project. I’m writing a feature for a friend’s directorial debut. This one’s also in the very early stage, so there’s not much to talk about.
What I can talk about though, I’m releasing a new short story this year! I’ve submitted the first draft and now it’s in the editing stage. It’ll be published in the second half of this year as a part of an anthology. I hope you’ll read it when it’s out. This will be the first story I publish since I learned how to write properly lol
I’m also glad I got to post this newsletter twice a month, even though I missed an update in March. In my defense, I was writing hehe
I still plan to write my own series or novel this year, but I’m still figuring out how to manage my energy for it. Most of my energy is already spent at work. I still don’t know how to squeeze some of it for my personal writing. My plan is to wake up at 5 am and write. That’s a new habit I’ll need to build slowly. I’m at 5.35 am now. I’m getting there. Yes, that does mean I go to sleep at 9 or 10, but I don’t mind. I get my best energy in the morning. I’m still fascinated by the key discovery that I’m actually an early riser. I really thought I was a night owl.
Anyway, lastly…
Exposing myself to film
I watched 14 films in March. Most of them was to catch up before the 2024 Oscars. Out of these 14, my favorites were ‘American Fiction’ (Cord Jefferson, 2023) and ‘Poor Things’ (Yorgos Lanthimos, 2023).
‘American Fiction’ is about a black writer whose recent manuscript isn’t doing well because it’s deemed not ‘black enough’. It’s only when he starts pandering and pulls out all the ‘black American’ stereotypes that his new book finally gets published, and he keeps failing upwards. This movie’s hilarious. I really wanted this film to win Best Picture if only for the lols.
On the other hand, ‘Poor Things’ is about a child’s brain being implanted in a grown woman’s head; thus, creating a literal child in an adult female body. Through the movie we’ll see her discovering masturbation, sex, and how much ‘polite society destroys your soul’. It’s a very controversial movie that’s sparked a lot of debates on feminism. I still don’t know how to talk eloquently about this movie, but I can relate to it on a very deep level. I would have loved to have the freedom to explore sex without the cages of polite society. In the meantime, this essay by Jessica DeFino conveys so much of how I feel about the movie.
In total, I’ve watched 46 movies in 2024. That’s like a movie every two days. I could have watched more, but I got so deep in the ‘Young Sheldon’ (Chuck Lorre, Steven Molaro, 2017-present) series (I’m on season 7 out of 7), which has made me rewatch ‘The Big Bang Theory’ (Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady, 2007-2019) (I’m currently finishing season 6 out 12). I know I said I’m gonna prioritize movies this year, but TV shows are just too good.
In conclusion…
I am (finally) back on a good rhythm in my life (thank god, cos I was tired). Every day it’s become clearer to me which habits I’d developed out of survival mode; habits I need to break and leave behind because I’m not leading that kind of hard life anymore. I’m safe. I’m in a stable environment. I can stop being scared all the time.
I don’t know if any major life events will disrupt my life again. I’m sure they will, but I hope at the very least I’ll get to enjoy 2024. Just let me be this soft and gentle new person I should have always been first.
Then come what may.