September & October 2024
A quick update, just to be accountable to myself
Hi. It’s been another couple of months. In case you wonder where I’ve been, I’ve been hating myself. I tend to do that when I’m really tired.
After filming, I should have taken the time to fully rest. A few days would do. But no, I went straight back to work, thinking of my gazillion deadlines. We went immediately into editing. I spent hours and hours creating a very long story with images and sounds.
Camaraderie was also high among the cast. Riding on the momentum, I made the point of hanging out with them for almost every single day. I made the Tangerang-Jakarta-Tangerang journey to see them. In the middle of it, I made the time to promote Museum Teman Baik in a bunch of events as well.
I loved the energy. I loved meeting a bunch of new people. But I was stretched thin. I was barely in touch with myself, and I hated myself for all the self-care I didn’t manage to do.
But it was not all in vain. For what it’s worth, I learned a lot about myself.
Remember when I said I entered the year wanting to discover what’s so fun about movies? I found the answer. It’s the people.
There’s a certain kind of magic in a bunch of different people getting together, agreeing to make the same work of art. Ideas building on top of each other. Trusting the other person to make your vision come to life.
There’s no way around it. Filmmaking is a collaborative art. You really can’t make them alone. There are too many skills needed to make one; and it’s simply not possible for one human to do everything themself. When done right, there’s a certain kind of satisfaction you’ll only get from a collective kind of work. Some would even argue it’s better than sex.
Working with the right kind of film people has also enabled me to learn even more about the medium and how to make one. Today, I know not only how to watch films, but also how to listen to them. I know how to interact with their discourse and argument. I have a better grasp on how to say what I want to say through the medium of films. I appreciate films better.
Oh, so this is how you enjoy movies.
I watched so many movies in October, and they didn’t even feel like a chore. I even enjoyed watching horrors. That’s a huge achievement for me.
At the end of October, I was finally sick of making the very long trips to Jakarta. I stopped saying yes to invitations and chose to sleep instead. My god, sleeping is so nice. Begadang buat apa??
After two months, I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’m not back in my full routine yet, but I’m finally somewhat okay with that.
I’m still figuring out who I am now that I like and enjoy filmmaking; now that I’ve accepted that I’m a filmmaker. What am I going to do in the future? How am I going to spend my days? How is this new development going to lead my life? I’m still thinking about all of them.
Anyway, here’s a list of updates:
Museum Teman Baik is doing really well. I think it’s entering its fourth print at the moment. A reprint a month since its launch in July. Gila. I tend to interpret this as how desperately thirsty we are for genuine friendships.
Kuasa Gelap (international title: Dominion of Darkness) premiered and got a victorious 1.4 million admissions. Thank you so much for all of your support, my friends 💛 The movie will travel to 53 countries. It should also be in Netflix early next year.
I’m in the middle of writing two feature films. One of them is a big-budget kids fantasy slated for production next year. To say I’m nervous is an understatement.
It’s not technically a done deal yet, but a publisher has verbally invited me to write a novel for them. I’m so excited for this one, but with my current workload and shaky mental health, I can’t prioritize it (for now).
Went to my 6-month therapy check in, and my therapist told me to find a boyfriend as homework. I have to get one before our next 6-month check in. I think he’s starting to get frustrated over my non-progress. I didn’t expect treating body dysmorphia disorder would be harder than BPD. I can feel my body resisting making the good choices I should make to get better.
I took a 2-month acting class. I learned a lot about how actors read and interpret scripts. This is good information for my screenwriting. As for the acting itself, it’s surprisingly akin to therapy. Everything I heard in acting class, I already heard in therapy. I spent the first month being hella nervous whenever I got on stage. When it’s all out of my system, I finally got to act a little bit in the second month.
I went to Taemin’s concert; my third SHINee concert of the year. At the end of the concert, I got to have a quick talk with Taemin. I raked my brain for clever things to say, but I knew that all I wanted was to thank SHINee for everything they’ve done in my life. So I got to thank Taemin in person, and he thanked me in return. It was a really special moment for me. At the end of November I’ll be flying to Seoul again for Minho’s first solo concert. 2024 has shapened up to be a very fun and fulfilling year of SHINee 💎
I kissed someone I shouldn’t have (what else is new), but I quickly settled the matter before it grew into some kind of uncontrollable drama. This is also a huge achievement for me. I could feel my body reacting to the highs of romantic (and problematic) drama, and how much I missed it (they weren’t kidding when they said borderlines are addicted to drama) (and I’ve been sober for a while now). In general, this was the closest I’d been near to a potential personal drama this year. There’s less than a couple of months left to 2024. Crossing my fingers for a clean year.
I’m running a 7k next month! I’ve been taking evening runs since I lost my morning routine. Turns out I like them better than morning ones. I think I’m gonna keep doing them.
I’m reading books again.
Thank you for reading this far. It makes me feel less lonely.
💖
what are you reading? and good luck on your run!