Mid-year interview with myself
There’s nothing inspiring you to write more than reading a bad book. So here’s a short post.
Hi, Uti! It’s June! Congrats for making it to June!
Thank you! In February, I really couldn’t see myself living in June. So, thank you!
So how many books have you read so far in 2023?
It’s a whooping 21 books!
That’s like 3 books each month. Don’t you have any work?
I do. I have a lot of work. But things have been different this year.
How so?
First of all, I’m heading my own department now with a staff of four. I divide the writing projects among all of us, and mostly I do project management and editing work. I still write at work, but not a lot.
Wait, hold on. Aren’t you a lawyer?
As of last year, I was. I did both legal and development work. I even produced a whole series! I ended up falling behind on my legal work, so my boss asked me to choose which job I wanted. I chose to write. I haven’t been practicing any law this year. I’m very lucky and privileged to be able to choose a fulfilling, artsy job.
And how has it been going for you?
My god, it’s been going great! Drafting contracts gave me a lot of mental clutter. I was a one-person department for the whole company group. I had to keep track of different contracts from different projects. And that could amount to many, many contracts at different phases of negotiations. It was a lot.
In film development, I’m not dealing with as many different units of work. And all we do is write stories. Realistically, we’d have 2-3 brainstorm or review meetings in a day; and that’s already a lot.
Writing’s been more of a streamlined work for me. I usually only have the mental capacity to write for one project in a day, which is a very short to-do list; so short I don’t even have to keep a running task list like I used to. I don’t even use Notion anymore.
You WHAT? You, a type A list-maker, don’t use Notion anymore??
Well, we still use Notion to keep track of work projects, but personally, no, I don’t use it anymore.
Who are you??
Apparently this is who I am without my anxiety. We both know I used to keep meticulous journals and agendas. Everything had to go in there, from the big meetings to the smallest of chores. But after therapy, after learning how to self-soothe, I found myself forgetting to put stuff in my daily agenda. And I realized I didn’t care.
As a lawyer, I still had a lot to do, so an agenda of some sort was still necessary. But now that my work just consists of writing, I don’t need it anymore. I just use Google Calendar to manage meetings and appointments. I take notes in Google Keep. And that’s it.
This is amazing. You’re so… relaxed. I’m so proud of you.
I know. I don’t want to be led by a rigid daily agenda anymore. I just want to let the day happens.
I have to ask. How’s the grieving stuff?
In true Roman Roy fashion, I think I’m in the post-grieving phase. I still miss A every day, but I just carry the grieve with me everywhere I go, whether I want to or not. It’s like a haunted house in my head, and I’m learning to live in it. I’m making space for this ghost that won’t go away and we’ll learn to co-habit. Besides, one day I’m going to forget his face and what he sounded like. I want to enjoy the vivid memories while I still can.
When do you think you’ll be ready to start dating again?
I don’t know. Definitely not this year. I’m taking a mental and emotional rest. To tell you the truth, I still can’t think a year ahead. The best I can do for now is 1-3 months in the future. This is a year of the river for me: I’m gonna go with the flow.
Again, I’m so proud of you. You keep moving and living.
Well, if I’m not gonna kill myself, what else am I gonna do? Might as well enjoy the ride. I’m taking this opportunity to give myself permission to do things I was once too afraid to do. I want to sing, I want to act, I want to sing and play the piano at the same time, I want to paint, I want to write, I want to travel, I want to spoil my loved ones, I want new experiences. I want to taste everything before I expire one day.
And as far as dating goes, I think it’s time to date and see myself.
I agree. How’s the self-care and self-love going?
It’s been a wild ride. Objectively, I knew what self-love was; but on an emotional level, I was struggling. I didn’t know how it felt like, so I didn’t know if I was doing it right or not. Until this year.
This year has been such a shock to my system and my meta-self has really stepped up. I’ve been operating under the principle, “If this were someone else, how would I treat her?” So I treat myself as if I was treating a grieving best friend. I give her all the space and permission she needs to feel, process, and regulate. And that’s how I finally and truly learned what self-care and self-love was.
I’m aware this method requires me to objectify myself, as if I was someone outside of myself. In time, I would like to just be myself. Instead of giving myself permission to do stuff, I want to believe—I want to know—that I can do stuff. Until eventually, I just do.
Whew, sounds a lot. But also exciting!
Right? It’s been fun though! I admit sometimes I get scared. Am I being arrogant and self-obsessed? But after a lifetime making myself small so as to not step on people’s toes, maybe a little bit of confidence could feel like arrogance, and self-love could be mistaken as self-obsession.
I treat others how I want them to treat me. It’s time to treat myself similarly.
I’m so happy for you. I see and appreciate your hard work. Congratulations on your growth. I can’t wait to see the person you’ll become in the future.
Thank you, self. Me too.