July-August update
The two months that quite literally made me a bit insane
I started drafting this post in the Substack app but lost it when I updated the app. So I’m writing everything all over again.
I watched Perfect Days last night and immediately knew Hirayama is isolating himself. The thoughts that came to mind were: he looks so lonely and what kind of turbulent past are you running away from? I was looking to watch something that’d make me cry or calm, and I got a mirror instead. Watching Hirayama goes about his daily routine only made me reflect on the year I’ve had so far and everything I’ve been trying to avoid.
As I’ve shared before, I’d made a nice routine for myself. I managed to create a predictable schedule from the second I wake up to the minute I go to sleep. Ankle training, meditation, journaling, go to the gym, have breakfast, shower, go to work, go home, meal prep, read or watch something, sleep. That all went out the window once pre-production start.
If you follow me on Instagram, then you may have seen the announcement for my new series, Culture Shock. It’s a teenage comedy drama about a chaste boy from Muara Enim who is struggling upon moving to promiscuous Jakarta. Yes, it’s about sex (education). He is not allowed to jerk off, or else he dies. It’s starring Ajil Ditto, Davina Karamoy, Giulio Parengkuan, and Dhea Ananda (my Trio Kwek Kwek heart 🥺).
We started writing this series September of last year (omg it’s been a year). Honestly, I think it’s quite a shonen story with a side of bromance. And to say that producing this has given me heavy stress is an understatement. Producing this has triggered my BPD big time. Between pre-production and actual shooting, I lost my routine, my 8-hour sleep, my exercise routine, and my appetite. There’s a lot I want to say about how we manage and budget film production at the expense of the cast and crew’s physical and mental health, but that’s a story for another time. For now, I just want to tell you that all the cast and crew have worked so hard to bring this series to life. They’ve given me more than I expected, and it’s made me feel even more responsible to make this series work.
To be clear, I’m simply not a field person. I choose to be a writer because I get to sit on a desk under cool AC. Sure, sometimes I have to work late. But I can work late and write comfortably in bed. When you ask me to supervise shooting on a hot day under hot production lights, managing hundreds of cast and crew, I’ll simply melt. I melt. Most of my energy was spent on trying to stay awake and making space for everyone’s moods. Despite the issues we faced on the field, we needed to finish this shoot.
It’s been two weeks since shooting wrap, and I haven’t fully recovered. We went straight to editing (we’re releasing the series soon). I feel like I’ve been grappling, trying to get my routine back. I want it back so bad. All I’ve done in the past couple of weeks is sleeping and drowning in self-pity. I hate that I’m so alone. I know I need a lot of rest, but deadlines. And so I’ve been wondering, whose fault is this? Is this my personal issue, business issue, or an industry issue? No wonder everyone here is crazy.
All I want is to entertain people. I hope this series does that. Despite my exhaustion-induced depression, we did have a lot of laughs writing and shooting this series. This project has gained me a new camaraderie that I never expected. Everyone’s been so nice and kind, looking out for each other. After my traumatic first production (you know the one), this project has healed me a little bit. At one point, we shot such a really, really good scene that made my jaw drop. Experiencing that live on set has made me believe in magic again. I can’t wait to share that particular scene with all of you.
Anyway.
Museum Teman Baik
My new short story, Wasiat, is out! It’s been a month since its release and people have been saying nice things about it and the anthology as a whole. I try not to read too much into the reviews lest it gets to my head. However, I did make the mistake of reading the Goodreads reviews and there’s one that didn’t like Wasiat. Yeah, it made me feel bad lol but at the end of the day, those who get it, get it; those who don’t, don’t. I’m still learning to be okay with that.
Here’s one of the nice review:
You can get the book at POST’s online shop!
Film updates
I didn’t get to watch many movies in July and August. I watched 13 movies, and my favorite is Before Sunset (Richard Linklater, 2004).
I watched Before Sunrise (Richard Linklater, 1995) many years ago and didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why Celine would get out of the train and follow a complete stranger in a foreign country. I didn’t watch the rest of the trilogy because of it.
Rewatching it in 2024, after A passed away, I finally get Before Sunrise. I spent the rest of the night watching the whole trilogy.
Maybe it’s age, but I relate more to Before Sunset now. I watched it with horror as Celine got more and more neurotic with each second that went by, spewing things that secretly made me feel ashamed about myself; being vulnerable and quite simply batshit insane in front of Jesse. I watched how Jesse was struck silent by Celine’s ranting about wanting to be chosen and how unfeminist that makes her feel. I wonder if that’s how I look like, how he looks like, when I rant about the same thing. The biggest joke of my life is somebody finally chose me and he fucking died.
You can laugh, my friends. It’s funny. It really is.
Julie Delphy’s Celine crawled so Saoirse Ronan’s Jo March can run.
Sometimes I lament the fact that I’m in a body that feels so much.
Anyway.
Writing updates
I have a feature film and a novel in the pipeline! I still can’t say much about both, but the film one should be announced soon because we’re planning to produce it next year. As for the novel, it’s still very much in the early stage, so I don’t know what will become of it. However, my editors are excited about it so crossing my fingers!
That’s all the update I have for now. Please don’t worry too much. I’m generally fine. I’ve booked an appointment with my therapist this Friday. I just need to rant for a bit and get everything out of my system.
Talk to you soon! 💛