Grieving, a year later
“Money doesn’t give you happiness, tapi enakan nangis di Alphard daripada di ojek.” - someone who knows what’s up
It’s been a year since my partner passed away. That was one hell of a year and I learned many things from it. I’ve learned that grieving doesn’t really go away; it just changes form. I’ve learned how big people could be in the face of death. I’ve also learned how easier it is to grieve when you have money.
When the worst happened, I took a month of unpaid leave. I couldn’t, for the life of me, do anything other than sleeping and waking up. I took the leave without thinking because I knew I could afford it. This is what an emergency fund is for. I went offline. Everyone at work gave me a lot of space. Not a single soul asked me about work. But guess what I found in my bank account at the end of the month. My monthly salary.
I was confused. I thought I explicitly said “unpaid leave”. Did they not know what an unpaid leave was? I thought about clearing it up, but then I stopped. If they’re being kind to me, I’m going to accept it. My place of work is not perfect (but what office is), but one thing they’re not is heartless. I really appreciate what they did for me. It’s the kind of kindness that one would always remember for life. Besides, as it turns out, I would need the money.
When the worst happened, I went right back to weekly therapy. That was a big expense. My therapist did his best to monitor my depression. He suggested I moved out of the house my partner and I lived in; that took some money. He also told me if there was a best time to pamper myself, this is it. I wasn’t really in the habit of self-pampering, so I didn’t really know what to do. I usually just read or watch something, but at the time I didn’t really feel like doing it. After thinking long and hard about it, I told him maybe I liked shopping. He gave me his blessing. Off to shop I went.
(Quick disclaimer, I’m not saying the prescription to grieving is retail therapy. Also, my therapist knows how much money I have.)
I went shopping with my best friend. We spent the whole day at the mall, visiting every store, trying out a bunch of clothes and shoes, looking at myself in the mirror, what looks nice, colorful, different. And I realized that I liked it. Very much. I wonder why I didn’t do this more in the past. Oh yeah, I didn’t have any money.
But now that I have some, (with my therapist’s blessing) I swiped my credit card and went home with multiple big bags of clothes. It felt so fulfilling. For once, I’m doing something that is entirely for me. I only had to think about myself and what I wanted. For a few hours when I was browsing clothes, I forgot that I was grieving.
So naturally, I didn’t stop there. I went for the classic self-pampering: the spa. I made it a monthly ritual of massages, pedicure, and manicure. Not only it made my nails pretty, it also helped me to sleep better. Win-win!
Thus, in the year 2023, I barely did any thinking. I barely did any house chores (I outsourced them away). I kept breathing. I went to work and did what I had to. I shopped, ate, and paid for my fancy away. It was the year I was determined to do things mainly for myself.
Nevertheless, I still did some things for my late partner. I was executing his will and last wishes. Boy, that was a lot of legal expenses I paid out of pocket. Good thing all of my friends are lawyers (lol) so everything went relatively smoothly (but still expensive). Even emptying the house we lived in took some money. Turns out wrapping up someone’s life isn’t free even though the person in question is no longer living.
By the end of the year, I tallied everything up in preparation for 2024. It was the first time I took a real good look at my finances for the whole 2023, and I finally found out that I blew through all of my emergency fund. Well, I guess I knew what my 2024 financial goal would be then.
Grieving was one hell of a life event to process because not everyone could relate to it. I couldn’t imagine having to process all of the loss while worrying about money (worse if I had people to support). I guess all the hard work I did and the money I saved, it was for this moment.
Anyway, my two cents is, if you feel like helping someone who’s grieving, give money if you can. If you can’t, consider helping with house chores. Food may go to waste because they may not feel like eating, but a house always needs cleaning. In the first round of housekeeping, six friends came over to help me with everything. It was such a huge help. I really couldn’t do it without them. I’m a very lucky and privileged girl, sometimes I feel guilty about it. But I’ve learned to accept any kindness life’s given me.
Looking back, I think I processed my grief pretty quickly. My life is back on track after (only) a year. The other day my colleagues and I went out to drink. We asked each other what would our three wishes be to a genie. I realized I only had two wishes. One is related to menstruation (I wish I could easily switch my cycle on and off) and the other one is to have a substantial amount of money to keep me from having to work ever again. I had no third wish because as my colleague wisely pointed out, many of our problems go away if we have the money to deal with it. Maybe that could be my third wish. I wish our lives and living didn’t rely so much on money.
Anyway. Hopefully this has been an interesting life tidbit to share because I feel like what people have been curious about the most is my dating life lol a few days into the death day, a friend already asked me if I was seeing anyone new. I wasn’t even mad. I was impressed by her audacity (to be honest I was more offended by a different friend who told me I would find someone new. How dare she suggested my partner’s replaceable). But she wasn’t the only one to ask. Over the coming months, so many people asked me the same thing: have I started dating again?
At one point, I realized that some of them were genuinely concerned about my wellbeing, making sure I wasn’t lonely. But the rest? I suspect they’re projecting their fears onto me. I think they want to know if something like this is something that they one could go through.
I might as well set the record straight. I started dating again as soon as six months after what happened. I was lonely and felt like having a warm body by my side. So someone came over for a bit then went home. And it was enough. I was in the same mode of dating for the rest of 2023 and it still continues until today. I wouldn’t say I’m traumatized, but I’m definitely in a relationship burnout. I don’t feel like committing myself to anyone for a while. It’s time for me to have fun. A series of borrowed romance, if you will. My late partner would be so proud of me.