Friendship in my 30's

Curhat tipis

I feel like we don't talk about friendships enough.

I'm single af please introduce me to someone, so all I have are my friends. Lately it's become so apparent how much we don't talk about friendships.

I feel like in a relationship, every single change warrants a discussion. You get a new job, how is this going to affect the relationship? You're moving houses, how are you going to keep seeing each other? You get a pet, how is it going to fit in the relationship?

I feel like we don't do the same for friendships. I'm sad at how normalized it is.

I wonder if they’ll still save the world together once they start having babies.

I've been sad (and frustrated) about the state of my friendships for a while. Living all the way in Tangerang, everyone is so far. I've been trying to make new friends. It hasn't been easy. But it's a different struggle compared to maintaining existing friendships.

In a way, making new friends is relatively easier, because we're starting at ground zero, and I can quickly adjust myself to whatever condition they're in when we first meet. But with old friends, I need to change as the friendships change.

I'm not opposed to change, but changes come with growing pains and heartbreaks, and I wish we talked about it more. I've seen my friends get married, have kids, have pets, get into new relationships, change jobs; with any of these changes, I feel like we're supposed to automatically understand, without any discussion on how it's going to affect our friendship.

Kids are the hardest. I know I've never been married, I know I'm not a mother, I know and I'd love to and I try to understand the new life that you're leading now that you're a parent. But I miss you. I'm grieving for the old comfortable friendship we used to have. And I hate that I'm always being shut down by everyone's saying of how I "would understand when I have my own child". To be frank, I think it's an unfair statement to make. I already know I won't understand how it feels to be a parent, but you've been in both worlds as a parent and a non-parent. You have the first hand knowledge and experience that it takes to make me understand.

Why aren't we talking about this? Doesn’t being a "best friend" count as being your family too? Does it?

I just wish we talked more about changes in friendships. Between you and I, as good old friends, how is this potential change going to affect us? What are we going to do about it? How are we going to maintain our friendship? Why are these discussions not happening more?

Now that my friends are having their own families, honestly I've been lonely. It's hard not to feel discarded sometimes. I'm also tired of being a third wheel all the time. I've been trying very hard to change the state of my alone-ness; find a date, find new friends. I need help. I need my friends. I'm happy to see you grow, but I feel excluded. I'd love to be your family. I'm offering my time, energy, and resources as such.

Honestly, I've been very scared of this one question that's been haunting my mind lately. My friend, have we grown apart?

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I was hesitant to publish this because I know I’m being whiny. But I've decided to be honest to myself. This is how I genuinely felt at the time of writing.

I wrote this because just a couple of weeks ago, I patched things up with an old friend, one I loved very dearly and have never really stopped caring about. I had my reasons for cutting off our friendship back then. But after years of not talking, I decided I want to make amends while we're both still alive.

So we met over tea. We were both a nervous wreck. We chat. We filled each other in about the past few years. Then we got to the mending part. Once it's all done, it's like things have never changed. We’re friends again. And I'm so grateful for it.

Now writing this post has made me realize that I should put more effort in my existing friendships too. But it gets daunting when there's always the possibility of rejections (again). Not because they don't like me, but because they have work, or kids, or something like that. I don't know which one's easier, to be hated or to be deprioritized. This is why I pretend I don't need anyone when actually I really do. At the same time, I'm admitting my inability to open up and be more vulnerable to my friends. I mean, I'm literally writing this post instead of actually talking to them.

Anyway, in the meantime, I just wish we talked more about it, how the major changes in your life affects your friends too.

Also, I think all of our friendships should be a bit more romantic.