An Interview with Myself

I thought about posting a selfie but decided not to due to reasons discussed below.

So here’s a random d20 instead. Photo by Lucas Santos on Unsplash

Hi everyone! I thought I’d shake things up a little bit by interviewing myself. I’ve always wondered what a conversation with myself would look like physically, so this is me going meta. Sometimes I’d hype my reflection in the mirror and that always makes me feel a bit silly. Let’s try doing it on paper.

Fun fact, while I was thinking about this interview, some parts of me wondered how mean the interviewer-me would be; which is interesting, because why would I expect such meanness from myself? Anyway, here we go.

Hi, Uti! How are you? When was the last time we talked to each other?

Hey, self! I think that would be last night while I was washing away my makeup. I looked at you and couldn’t help noticing how pretty you are.

Aw, thanks. How did that make you feel? Do you feel “pretty” often?

You sound a lot like therapists in the movies, but anyway. It felt a bit fuzzy, but also embarrassing, praising yourself that way, you know? I’m also not sure how often I feel pretty, but at the very least I’m not feeling ugly.

For some reason that makes me feel sad, but maybe it’s the goal we should be aiming for?

Hmm, I’m still not sure. Maybe? I’m all for body neutrality. I like the idea of not putting moral values on our appearances; in which we don’t look good or bad. We just are. But divesting from such beauty culture hasn’t been easy.

Is that why you barely post your face on your public feed these days?

That’s one of the reasons. In the beginning, I did it because I was worried about bad actors using my face on deepfakes. As a woman on the internet, I have relatively higher risks compared to men. I remember when FaceApp just came around, or when that AI painted your face into a bunch of fantastical illustrations. Everyone willingly gave their images to the machines, and that horrified me. Granted, a lot of them were men. I rarely saw women did the same thing. We knew what’s up.

What are the other reasons?

Therapy. Post-therapy I realized that in the past I usually post selfies to fish for compliments. It was also the reason I tweeted a lot. But after therapy, I had no more cravings for external validations. The unhealthy ones, at least. I was at peace with myself.

The final reason is my attempt in divesting from beauty culture. I was tired of going for unattainable beauty standards. It gave me a lot of anxieties. So I unfollowed a bunch of cosmetic and influencer accounts to stop me from thinking about how ugly I was. I also stopped posting about my weight and any cosmetic or skincare products I use, because I don’t want to inadvertently make someone feel inadequate, no matter how little.

But you still post selfies on Close Friends though.

I do! I admit it. I still fish for those compliments sometimes. And I wish I didn’t. It’s not really as positive an experience as I’d like it to be, you know. I usually take a bunch of pictures and then choose the one that doesn’t look weird or ugly. And that’s not something I’m comfortable with. I don’t want to look at myself and think I’m ugly, even in private. It’s not a nice headspace to be in, no matter how brief. But I also like being pretty, and when people call me pretty! I don’t know. I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to find the line between dolling myself up as a self-expression and as a performance. Not sure I’m gonna find the answer soon.

You look so far away for a second there. Can you tell me what you’re thinking?

I was just remembering something nice that my dead boyfriend used to say. You know how we have good and bad angles? So my good angle is the left side of my face. I don’t want the right side of my face to be captured on camera if I can help it.

Anyway, the way our home was situated, the living room was on the left side and that was where I usually sat while my boyfriend was working in his office, on my right side. And that was how we usually talked while we were doing our own thing. Sometimes he’d stop in the middle of the conversation because he said I looked so pretty and it distracted him. He was seeing my right side! That usually made me laugh because it was so ridiculous and embarrassing. I didn’t tell him to stop though.

Sounds like he was really into you. You must have missed him a lot.

I miss him every day.

Is it okay if we talk about him?

Oh my god, all I want is to talk about him all the time, but I’m afraid people are sick of it, you know. I want to remember and share every detail of our relationship. But sometimes I’m worried it’s too much information. At the same time, I feel like I’m repeating myself over and over again, because that’s all the story that existed. He’s dead and there will be no new stories about us. I’m also worried of freaking people out because I can be very morbid and I don’t think most people are used to that.

Girl, you worry a lot.

I know! I wish I didn’t! I have a severe case of the spotlight effect, I keep having to remind myself, “No! They’re not thinking about you. They’re too busy thinking about themselves.” Oh well, I’m still working on it. Even now I’m worried whether I’m talking too much about myself. It’s literally an interview with myself.

That’s ridiculous though. People subscribe to your newsletter because they want to hear you.

Thanks for the reminder. But I wish you didn’t call me “ridiculous” though.

Ah, I’m sorry. It just… came out.

It’s not okay, but I understand. We got a lot to work on when it comes to being kind to ourselves. Please try to be nicer when talking to me?

Will do.

Thanks a lot.

So how does it feel talking to yourself?

This definitely doesn’t feel as silly as talking to the mirror. It’s nice. It’s more helpful in sorting out my thoughts.

Do you want to do it again next time?

Definitely.

Cool! Until then, please take care.

Likewise, Uti.